Check out the next happiness trigger I am sharing with you all, “Flow”. Remember, these are little pieces from my next book Happy Women Live Better: 13 Ways to Trigger Your Happiness Every Day (coming October 1st!). I want your feedback and comments! Don’t forget, every week, I’ll give away $50 in gift cards to one reader who posts on the blog – $25 for you, and $25 for someone you want to bless! Congratulations to last week’s winner April Purdie!

One of the most elusive happiness triggers is flow – your ability to concentrate so intently on an activity that you become absolutely absorbed in it. According to researcher Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of Flow: The Psychology of the Optimal Experience, we all experience flow and we feel similar characteristics when we are in flow. You feel alive and alert. You are not self-conscious. You feel a deep satisfaction with your efforts, and your efforts may even feel “effortless.” You are in flow, at your best. Athletes and performers often describe flow as being “in the zone.” Writers and artists will say they feel like the work was flowing through them, almost effortlessly, as though they couldn’t get it out fast enough. But flow doesn’t just happen in the realm of sports and entertainment and art. It can happen if your work does not fall into one of these categories. The store clerk who so enjoys helping customers that she loses track of the time and says, “Is it time to go already?” is in flow. So, too, is the school teacher who gets lost in the excitement of teaching new material – so much so that her students have an enthusiasm unseen in their other classes. Suddenly, they love math, even though last year they thought they hated it! Her passion and flow become contagious and inspire and elevate the students.

Flow is increasingly difficult for women (or men, for that matter!) in today’s culture. We live in an age of interruption. When is the last time you were able to do anything uninterrupted? Can’t remember? Join the club. We are wired to be constantly interrupted. If it isn’t your cell phone ringing, it’s the text message that just came in – or the telemarketer calling your home phone, or the email chime alerting you to your latest email message, which may actually be spam, but hey, it least now you know it’s there waiting to be read. However, technology isn’t the only culprit. If you are a mom, especially a mom of young children, the idea of doing anything with full concentration when your children are around – other than take care of your children – is pretty much impossible. At work, you are often expected to be on call – responding to the needs of whoever has a question or wants something done, or just wants to chat.

But let’s not kid ourselves. Let’s be honest. Often, even when we have a moment to become fully engaged with what we are doing, we don’t need technology or people to distract us. We can be pretty darned good at distracting ourselves! Ever notice how much you get done when you are supposed to be doing something else? Procrastination is the master stealer of your ability to be in flow.

If you have too much on your to-do list, you’ll find that flow is a rare achievement for you. It is the curse of overload, overdrive and overwhelm. Even if everything on your schedule is stuff you actually want to do, when there’s too much of it, you don’t get to enjoy it. And this steals your happiness. I always know I am at that point when I become stressed about something like driving home two hours to see my family or flying to a speaking engagement. These are things I thoroughly enjoy. I am relaxed doing them. I am in flow, smiling, feeling perfectly in the right place. The exception happens when I try to cram too much into a day or week. Then I’m not in flow, smiling, or feeling perfectly in the right place. Have you been there? Leave your comments below!

How do you feel about making more money than your spouse or significant other?  Do you believe men are intimidated by a woman making more money or is that just an excuse that women use to explain away deeper issues that are driving men away?  These are questions very few women had to answer in 1970 because very few women outearned men in that era.  But today, the tide has turned and it creates very real feelings and frustrations that can impact your happiness – whether you are married or you want to be.  If you are a working woman, there is a chance that you make more than your mate (or future mate).

In the United States today, almost 40 percent of wives earn more money than their husbands. In theory, it shouldn’t matter, right?  And for many women, it doesn’t.  Perhaps you are a woman who earns more than her husband, and it has never created any challenges in the dynamics of your relationship. I hope that’s the case.

But research and my experience coaching hundreds of women has shown that in many relationships – or even in many women’s desire for a relationship – financial success (or even perceived financial success) can sometimes create frustrating roadblocks. Studies even show that when women are financially dependent on their husbands, they are more loyal. But when men are financially dependent on their wives, they are more likely to cheat.  Looking to the future, the financial dynamics of relationships are likely to lean more toward women earning more. What do you think? In 2013, does it impact the relationship when a woman makes more money than her honey? How so? Leave your comments, I want to hear from you!

In case you missed my TODAY Show appearance on June 7, no worries! We’ve posted it on my YouTube Channel. To automatically get my latest videos and interviews, go to www.youtube.com/valorieburton and subscribe to my channel. But I’ve posted it here on the blog for you. Watch this special segment, Coach Me If You Can, as we coach three different women through life’s obstacles and stop signs! Enjoy

As I shared you all last week, I am in the middle of my manuscript for my new book, Happy Women Live Better: 13 Ways to Trigger Your Happiness Every Day (coming October 1st!). I’m sharing little pieces from the book with you for the next few weeks. I want your feedback and comments! Don’t forget, every week, I’ll give away $50 in gift cards to one reader who posts on the blog – $25 for you, and $25 for someone you want to bless! Congratulations to last week’s winner Ambi Jeffries!

The second happiness trigger I’ll share this week is, “Play”. Check it out!

I play tennis. I’m awful at it, but I love it. In my life, I’ve had only three tennis partners – all equally as bad as I am. That way, we can have fun and nobody gets frustrated.  My first partner, Mike, was a fellow cadet during my first year of college when I was at the US Air Force Academy. I was thrust onto the tennis team after a brief (three weeks) stint playing hooker (I know, not the best title, but it’s the position of “forward”) on the women’s rugby team.  It was probably a good thing I left the team because they won the NCAA Championship that year, and somehow, I don’t think they would have done it with the 5,1”, 110-pound, never-played-a-sport-involving-a-ball Cadet Burton on the team.  I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and didn’t enjoy getting tackled, but the camaraderie was great. Anyway, I moved on. At the Academy, you had to play a sport and Mike and I were assigned to the intramural tennis team. Neither of us had ever taken a lesson – and it was obvious.  We had fun, though. And we frustrated the dickens out of the other doubles players who wanted a good match. Unfortunately, they were not going to get it with us.

Fast forward seven years. I took lessons and met a new friend in my tennis class named Margaret. We played each other and only each other – too merciful to subject any of our tennis-playing friends to our novice skills.  She was in public relations, like me at the time. And we had  good conversations in between serves – and we had a good excuse to wear really cute tennis outfits. I think it is perfectly OK to choose your sport based on the outfits.  Fun outfits empower you to have more fun. No research on that theory, just personal speculation.

Years later, I picked up tennis again and played with my friend and neighbor Cheryl. We liked to play on the court down the street, walking distance from home. I started to get a little better, but honestly, I never wanted to play tennis because I wanted to win a tennis match. I don’t even expect to “win” and I don’t care. I don’t practice, I just play. I genuinely enjoy running around the court trying to hit the ball. I give myself permission to never be all that good at it.  And that’s just fine with me. I have plenty of things that I find important to be good at it, but it’s nice to have something in which there is no pressure – no pressure to perform, to win, to look graceful. The sole goal is to enjoy myself. How about you? What would you play if you didn’t have to be “good” at it? Leave your comments below…I’d love to hear from you!

I shared with you on Tuesday that I’m right smack in the middle of my manuscript for my new book, Happy Women Live Better: 13 Ways to Trigger Your Happiness Every Day (coming October 1st!). As promised, I’m sharing some little pieces from the book with you. In addition to the 13 happiness triggers, I have some conversation starters to get you all talking about the common myths and cultural issues that impact our happiness. I want your feedback and comments!

High expectations and stress of being a woman in the 21^st century

• How do you define having it all?
• Do you ever feel like you are behind in life, as though you somehow missed the boat and are trying to catch up? In what way?
• What would it take for you to choose happiness right now, even if you can’t currently check off all of the expectations on your “having it all” list?

At some point, the message of the women’s movement may have shifted from, “You can have it all” to “You should have it all.” It became an expectation.  And it’s a lot of pressure.  So you could be doing just great – perhaps you’re raising your kids, and doing a good job, but you left the workplace to focus on your family. “I feel like I’m behind,” one mother of six told me.  “I mean, I wanted to write a book by now.  I just don’t have much by way of career accomplishments,” she explained. I sat across the table, baffled.  She had a successful marriage of 20 years and six respectful, healthy, happy children. What an accomplishment!  And yet,  she felt the weight of the expectation to have it all – and all at the same time.  Here’s the “all” most women today have been taught and believe they are supposed to achieve:

What is “having it all”?

• Successful career
• Adoring, handsome, successful husband
• Cute, admirable children
• Flawless looks
• Financial abundance
• Domestic perfection
• Happiness

You should have it all, right?  I’m sure you got the memo.  We all got it.  Bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan. And never let him forget he’s the man.  Oh. And might I add – wear the perfect shade of lipstick, make sure your hair is flawless, and your outfit fabulous while you’re frying up that bacon. And the kids – don’t forget the kids!  You need to have them – and they should be cute and well-behaved. And you should be happy.  This is a persistent message, and many women attempt to live up to it, but fall short in one or more areas, ending up feeling as though they have failed.

The most important question is, “What does having it all mean to you?” In other words, what kind of life are you uniquely called to live? What will actually make you happy? That’s a different question than “Am I living up to an ideal that does or does not suit me?” Leave your comments below, I want to hear from you!

I’m right smack in the middle of my manuscript for my new book, Happy Women Live Better: 13 Ways to Trigger Your Happiness Every Day (coming October 1st!). I’m quite excited about it sharing little pieces from the book with you. With women’s happiness declining while men’s happiness continues to climb, women need to be more intentional than ever about doing things that boost how they feel about life. I’ve identified 13 happiness triggers and once a week, I’ll be share short snippets from the manuscript and also my take on the cultural issues that impact our happiness. I want your feedback and comments! In fact, every week, I’ll give away a $50 in gift cards to one reader who posts on the blog – $25 for you, and $25 for someone you want to bless! The first happiness trigger I’ll share this week is, “Anticipation.” Make this declaration: “Every day, I have something to look forward to.” Whether you create something or just notice what’s in front of you, having something to look forward to will always brighten your day.

Anticipation: Notice What’s in Front of You
Maybe you can relate to this. Sometimes, when my calendar gets really full, I can get into a rut of dreading what’s coming up. Mind you, I have spent years building a life that I actually love, so it is rare that I have something on the calendar that I didn’t at some point actually want to do. But when there is too much of it, I forget about the fact that it’s exciting stuff and begin to focus simply on the fact that there is so much of it. So I’ve learned to pause when I look at my calendar – then breathe, and mindfully soak in the upcoming events of the day. It’s not just “stuff to do.” It’s my life. And I’m grateful for it. And most of it is something to look forward to.
When life becomes a crowded routine of work, obligations and whatever else is on your overloaded plate, it dampens your joy. What are you looking forward to today? How about next week? Or three months from now? Research shows that anticipation – enthusiasm for a future event – increases positive emotion and boosts your happiness. But when your schedule is full and life has become a monotony of daily tasks and expectations, anticipation and enthusiasm are likely not the emotions you feel. The good news is this: You can intentionally create something to look forward to every single day. In fact, if you are going to be happy woman, you must. Most happy women do this naturally. They may not even recognize it on a conscious level, but if you ask them about their schedule, you’ll notice joy-inducing events sprinkled throughout their days and weeks.

So that meeting you have at 11 am? Rather than another meeting, look at it as an opportunity to move forward and be productive. That lunch date you scheduled that you feel like you don’t have time for today? Savor the time to slow down for a meal and connect with that person one-on-one in the midst of a full day. The gymnastics practice you must rush your daughter to later this afternoon? Remember the day when you dreamed of having child of your own and savor the fact that you have a healthy, energetic little girl who is blossoming right before your eyes. Oh, and the finale of your favorite show you’re going to curl up on the sofa and watch at 9 o’clock tonight? Express to somebody how much you’re looking forward to it. Expression is a key to anticipation. I want to hear from you. What do you think? What can you look forward to today or this week?

Women are some of the busiest people around, but life taming your hectic schedule could be as easy as learning to say “no” more often. If your life sometimes feels overloaded, read on. I’ll give you the script to speak up and stop taking on so much. The result? A happier, healthier you.

Do you seem to find yourself saying “yes” when what you really want to say is “no”? Someone invites you to an event you really have no interest in, but you get tongue tied and agree to go – not because you want to, but because you can’t think of a gracious way to say “no.” A co-worker asks you to take on a project you really don’t have time to do. You want to be nice, so you say “yes,” only to find yourself stressing out about the deadline a week later.

Manipulative people know who they can get to say “yes.” And in many instances they don’t even bother asking those of us who’ve learned to say otherwise. So you get sucked into doing things because you won’t say one little word: NO.

There’s only one reason you say “yes” when you don’t mean it: Fear. Whether the consequence is emotional blackmail, a temper tantrum or someone’s perception that you are selfish or not nice, it is your fear of the worst case scenario that causes you to say “yes.” But if you want to be authentic, you’ll need to learn to say “no.” It will feel uncomfortable at first, but it will also feel good – empowering. And it will free you up for the stuff you actually want to say “yes” to. Here are four simple ways to say “no,” even in the stickiest of situations:

1. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that will happen if I say no?” Seriously.
In the moment it bombards you, confront your negative thinking. Your imagination can get the best of you when fear is involved. You might tell yourself, “She’ll never talk to me again,” when the reality is she’ll get over it by tomorrow. And even if she doesn’t, you really need to question the health of any relationship in which you cannot say “no” without dire consequences.
2. Let me think about it.
If you find yourself on the verge of saying “yes,” and too afraid to just say what you want to say, then say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives you the opportunity to get clear about your thoughts, and even write down what you want to say. Then get back to them and say “no.”

3. Tell the truth.
One of the most disarming ways to say “no” is to tell the person how anxious you feel about saying “no.” It goes something like this, “I have been really wrestling with telling you this because I’d really like to help, but I just can’t. I’m not sure if you’ll even understand, but I really hope you will. With all that’s on my plate, I can’t add anything else.”
4. A Simple N-O will do.
In many situations, no explanation is necessary. Start practicing today. Say it with me: “No.” Out loud this time: “No.” Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Try it today with simple requests. And build up to bigger ones. Courage is a muscle. No is a word that will help you strengthen it.

Journaling Assignment:
Think about it. What fear causes you to say “yes” when you really want to say “no”?

My Challenge to You:
Be courageous. The next time you’re presented with a sticky situation, say “no”.

It’s graduation time and thousands of college grads are hopeful about what the future holds. For some, that future is a vision they can see clearly and for others, it’s fuzzy and they are just hoping for the best. If you are one of the thousands of graduates donning a cap and gown this spring – or you know someone who is, consider these five pearls of wisdom as you head into the “real world.” Ten to twenty years after graduation, these are the pearls of wisdom many grads say they wish they’d known when they graduated. Shorten your learning curve and embrace this wisdom now:

1. Go for what you really want.

Don’t downsize your dream before you’ve even attempted it. Go directly for the type of job you want while simultaneously being flexible. It is a challenging job market, but it is not impossible. Remember the phrase, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among stars.” It applies here. Don’t allow fear to keep you from going after what you really want.

2. Place is more important than position.

Landing a job in your field sometimes means landing a job that is beneath your skill level. But if that job puts you in the right environment, you can make connections and be ready when the right opportunity opens up. Be willing to pay your dues by getting your foot in the door, then show your employer your energy, dedication and ability. You may get an opportunity to move up once you’ve proven yourself.

3. No one owes you anything.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from leaders in today’s organizations is that too many young people have a sense of entitlement. Experience is a great teacher. Soak up all the knowledge you can. Get a mentor. Listen more than you speak. Don’t expect a promotion or because you show up and do your job. That’s what you’re paid to do. Employers don’t owe you appreciation, more money or a bigger job title.

4. Build a foundation for where you want to be ten years from now.

Know where you want to be in five years or ten years. If you’re not living your vision, you’re probably living someone else’s. So have a vision for where you want to go so you don’t wander aimlessly in your career, only to find yourself frustrated later because you didn’t aim high.

5. Build a life, not just a career.

Work hard, yes, but also play hard. Think about what you want for your personal life. Don’t live to work, work to live. When you consider jobs, think about the lifestyle you want to lead – do you want to be on call 24-7? Do you want to live near family or do you really not mind moving across the country or around the world? Are you willing to live far away for a few years, but plan to move back to your current area? Will your job give you time for a life outside of work?

Challenge:
Share this article with a recent grad and also determine which of the five pearls of wisdom most resonates with you.

Journaling:
What is the best piece of wisdom you know now that you wish you’d known when you were just starting out? How could you apply that wisdom to a current dilemma or challenge you face? Is it time to share that wisdom with a young person in your life?

“No man on his death bed ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office.’”

- The late Sen. Paul Tsongas of Massachusetts

When I moved to Maryland in 2003, my father serendipitously received a promotion to move from Colorado to nearby northern Virginia. We had not lived in the same city since I graduated from high school and I was excited that he’d be just 20 miles away. Despite the close proximity, we both noticed something: We didn’t actually see one another as often as we’d thought we would.

 Have you ever noticed that life sometimes gets so busy that it gets in the way of what you say is most important? It’s in those moments, that you must reassess your priorities and make sure your schedule reflects them. If you aren’t intentional about how you spend your time, it will slip through your fingers without bringing you some of the experiences that make your life rich and fulfilling.

To make sure we made time together a priority, Dad and I decided to set a standing appointment. On Fridays, we met for lunch. Same place. Same time. And on the occasions when one of us couldn’t make it, we made it a point to see each other at some other time. Our lunch dates ensured that we never became so busy that we’d go for weeks, living in the same metro area, without visiting with each other face to face. We visited at other times, too, of course, but we didn’t rely on happenstance and special occasions to see each other regularly. I now live in Atlanta, and I am intentional about spending time with my family here.

This week, I invite you to take a moment to consider the people with whom you most want to spend time with on a regular basis. Then carve out some time and put strong boundaries around it. There is so much vying for your attention that you must be intentional about making time for your relationships. I make it my rule to visit with my family here in Atlanta and South Carolina regularly. I also have a few friends with whom I get together once a month or so. If we don’t set a date, one of us calls the other to say, “Hey, it’s time for us to get together.”

To some, it may seem ridiculous to set appointments with yourself and the people you care about. Instead, I see it as a way to honor your most important relationships. In a world in which there is always something calling for your attention, it is essential that you take control of how you spend your time and put boundaries around the time that’s meant for your most important priority – your relationships. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Invite friends or family over once a month for an old-fashioned Sunday dinner.
• Eat breakfast or dinner together as a family.
• Choose a weekly “date night” for you and your spouse or significant other.
• Have a “game night” with your children or friends.
• Choose a favorite pastime and schedule regular time to enjoy it with someone you want to spend time with consistently.
• Set a standard for how often you want to see loved ones who do not live in your area. Honor your standard by taking out your calendar and marking the dates.
• Carve out regular time just for you. Just as it is important to make time for the important people in your life, it’s important to make time just for you, too!
• Come up with your idea by brainstorming with the person you want to carve out time for!

Living an inspired life means aligning your true priorities with your day-to-day actions. When you make time for your relationships, you’ll notice that other less meaningful activities may fall by the wayside. Take a deep breath and let them go. You can’t be all things to all people. Carve out time for the people who matter most to you. Enjoy!

Journaling assignment:

With whom do you need to be more intentional about spending quality time? When, how and how often would you like to spend time with them?

My challenge to you this week:

Carve out time in your schedule for the people who matter most to you. Make that time sacred by setting boundaries around it that cannot be infringed upon by work, other people or less significant priorities. Leave your comments below, I’d love to hear from you!

I’m not sure who this message is for, but I felt a strong urge to write it, so since you’re reading it, perhaps I wrote it just for you. It’s short and sweet. Enjoy …

A real sign of growing up spiritually and emotionally occurs when you stop making decisions based on everyone else’s expectations. You end unhealthy relationships, take a leap of faith towards a new career path, or speak up for what is right. Some decisions in life are tough. Some conversations are uncomfortable. Some choices will not be popular. And yet, there are moments when you are called to go against popular opinion and stand apart from the crowd. When you lay your head down at night, there is no better feeling than being at peace with God. If you must compromise that peace in order to please others, you’ve compromised everything. Don’t do it.

This week, I feel led to encourage you to be bold and courageous in your decisions. Pray. Listen. Don’t overanalyze. Don’t “super-spiritualize” it either. Sometimes we pray for an answer, and when the prayers get answered through a person or event or opportunity, we don’t recognize it because it’s not a booming voice coming down from heaven. Use your common sense. Some decisions don’t require prayer when God has blessed you with the common sense to make the right choice. As a friend once told me as I agonized over making a change, “You’re like the frog in a pot of cool water who didn’t notice that the heat had been turned up and the water was starting to boil. All he had to do is jump out of the pot!”
Don’t worry about what others think. Do what you know is right. Your choices are between you and God. No one else has to live your life – or your consequences.

My challenge to you this week:
Rather than people-pleasing, be bold and courageous in your decisions.

Journaling assignment:
What decision am I hesitating about? Who am I trying to please? In my current situation, what would a bold and courageous decision look like? Leave your comments below, I’d love to hear from you!